I stepped back, took a breath, and reflected what was missing on me

One gloomy afternoon, my mom sat on my bed as I do some sort of reading and research online. She asked me what am I getting busy doing at and what are my so-called plans after college. Well, I stopped and think. At the back of my mind, there is really plainly nothing. My mom maybe would like to hear how my pending applications are going or share some of my career plans, but I just straightly spoke to her, that things are a bit shaky and cloudy for me right now and I don't have concrete plans yet. Maybe I need some break. For oftentimes, I woke up feeling confused with a sort of distressing emotion and i don't know why I feel that way.

I saw a curve in the face of my mom. Luckily, it's an upward stroke with a light on her eyes and surprisingly said, “You need a break? Go ahead. What else do you want?” I never expect to hear that from her. I just want to stay out from my lazy cozy cocoon for awhile (which I actually mean, my room or our house). I have plans of visiting our relatives from different places since I tend to refuse to spend a long time with them every summer due to academic duties.

So, fast forward, Mom grants me to do so, with permission of my dad and jealousy of my two brothers, two days after our conversation, I packed my things up and ready to breathe a different kind of air ;)

The Breath of Fresh Air

The fun part of this new journey was that, I was traveling alone; few of my relatives knew that I'll be visiting them soon but have no idea when; only my mom knows my whereabouts and nobody knows when I am planning to go back home(maybe for days, weeks or months). Yes, I am in complete control of my time, budget and where to stay.

I mean this as a breath of fresh air because things are way different. I am away from monotonous routine, away from polluted air, away from crowded and noisy places, seeing people from different places and I knew definitely knew that I will be engaging to nature-trees, plants, tourist spots, which I totally love. That lil nomad inside of me is excited and always looking forward to it.

I enjoy the feeling of getting lost or let's just say life with no exact direction. I think this is what my life probably is right now and I am towards searching the lost part of the soul.

About to Find the Missing Piece

Finding something that seems well too hidden may not exactly pop out from where you’re looking. So you probably, need more time to search and remember where you leave those meaningful pieces.

As I look out at the bus window, enjoying the green scenery, I took a little time to reflect. I decided that as I take this ride, I will disconnect from my ordinary habit. No social media, no gadgets, and other distractions. I was once told during our retreat, that one needs to disconnect something in order to reconnect to your own pace. This might be a good start to gain a new perspective and find what I have been looking for.

Piece into pieces

I actually had a mind map from where I am going. I have been through my relatives’ places before and I always have this “buddy” to guide and accompany and its different now. I’m really excited because I'm picturing out a big continent to be broken down into different trails and color-coded flags (presumably).

----I'll never experience this without the audacity to share my inhibitions with my mom and to have courage to travel on my own at my own pace. This might sound terrifying from a child who is raised to a protective family but this one a good brave step towards a long career journey ahead.

This is NES, clueless for the future but with a high hopes to experience great and be great.  

     The moment I moved my tassel to the right side of my cap, an excitement-anxiety creeps in through my veins enabling my heart to beat faster. Like is this for real? Am I ready to jump into the corporate world?
     I'm overwhelmed with sporadic thoughts and uncertainties of what lies ahead. It is so nerve wrecking for we used to follow this kind of educational ladder (grade school-high school- college) but now that I've finally reached with this last step, I felt like I’m on the edge of the cliff and has no clue where to land and the reality just slowly sinks in that I may not be ready as I thought I'd be.
      Though I have plans for graduate school or take some educational courses to enable me to teach in the mere future these are not on the top my list as of the moment for I need to find opportunities for career development and growth. So what now after college?
     Mind you all that this post doesn’t merely apply to all fresh grads. Either way, we are driven by different goals and priorities in life and so continue to carve the way you wanted it to be. I, on the other hand, just find it confusing which road to take in after.
    Anyway, going back, I find lucky for my friends who just got hired, those who already established their own business, managing their family business or even work for the company that they really want; those who are pursuing their passion; planning to take graduate or law school. While here I am, for some way around, introspecting between doing the things I wished I could have done before or conformed what society thinks for fresh graduate-to instantly find have job.
    My mind and physical body began to follow and slowly adapting the realms of this so-called real life and I’ve been through creating cover letter and resumes, attending seminars on how to prepare for an interview, partake into job fairs, got interviewed by some companies, spending countless time checking phone or email for follow up yet end up fretting and clueless for why things didn't go along the way.
     While I was on the midst of outlining my resume, again and again, pondering from another company to the next, I didn't know why but there seems to be a gravitational pull inside of me that seems to hinder me from doing as such.
    Then lots of questions appear, Am I really emotionally, physically and intellectually ready to face the conduits of life? Am I certain on what field of business or marketing should I partake or what company to work, contribute and grow for? Am I motivated by my willpower to work for my own benefit, for my family, being motivated by money or due to the pressure of the society? If I got hired, would I be that productive despite those hundredths random thoughts running through my head, setting forth for the things I supposed to do now that I’m free from academic responsibilities in college. Should I really need to rush things up?
    To be honest, I find it difficult to answer each and every question I made.
   Well, what if I’ll follow my instincts? To close the tabs of those job hunting sites in the meantime and finally unravel the things I wanted to do. Though I got a bit of fear for maybe this is just another piece of my lazy thinking yet I believe this is a good way and time to start loving and finding time for myself. This will be for the first time in my life not having any academic duties so I should appreciate and live for the moment.
    I’m within the possibilities of being swallowed by this dark shadow letting me just stay in my comfort zone or stand with this notion that this will not be forever, that there will come a day that I’ll jump over that cliff (the one I mentioned above) with less fear of unknown plus a courage to finally set and have clear vision on what to achieve in life. I’m not thinking of some magical happenings at the end of the rainbow, I’ll just have to prove that everything will be worthwhile.
    So yes, Carpe Diem. YOLO. Me-time as I would say. Now I’m on an adventure of getting new perspective and journey in life. I set no exact date, place or time as to when to stop searching for this lost star. I'm not sure what failure will mean for me (ain't aiming for that tho) thus, the succeeding posts and such realizations at the end are something to look forward to.
   At the end, is it a time well spent? Or a time wasted? With dreams, perseverance, and hope for a good future and for myself, I’ll lift everything to God. Let it go, let it be.
   Now, I long to live a more exciting life.

Almighty and Loving God, having been through with our college years, with its trials and difficulties, we come to you today with grateful hearts. We thank you for your loving presence in all our struggles, temptations, pains and frustration. We believe you have been with us to give us strength and courage to go on and move forward to achieve our goal. 

Thank you Lord for all the graces you have bestowed upon us, through the people who have helped us in fulfilling our dreams. We thank you for the people who have helped us along the way especially those who have enlighten us in moments of darkness and confusion. Thank you Lord for our parents and relatives who were always there to love and support us in all our needs; for our friends who inspired us, our teachers who have guided us and taught us to be more loving and responsive to the needs of others and to integrate what we have learned in our four corners of our classrooms in our day to day living. 

As we face another stage in life, may you continue to journey with us. With great hope and faith, give us the courage to face the new challenges. We understand this is not yet the end but the beginning of a new journey. May our hopes and dreams come true as we strive to be responsible citizen and men and women of goodwill. May our life be a living witness of your love, peace and justice amidst the challenges and struggles in our world today. 

Compassionate God, we are deeply grateful of your love for us despite our weaknesses and limitations. This day is great day for us as we come together in thanksgiving for all your goodness. Help us to be always aware of your presence in our life, in others and in all your creations. Make us always grateful for every blessing you will shower upon us. All these we pray and thank you loving Father, through Jesus Christ our brother, with the Holy spirit, now and forever.  Amen

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It's  been four years since I last read this thanksgiving prayer during our baccalaureate in high school for the batch 2010-2011 yet it still resonates how I feel, pray and hope now I just graduated from college.